ARGHHHhh..

This morning, while I was brushing my teeth in the toilet, I heard a little voice. It was nate talking to himself. I decided to observe him from a distance and heard him saying "So hot. Change clothes." He was pulling on his t-shirt gesturing to change his clothing because he was feeling "hot". He's starting to crack me up these days. The things he says, just comes across as funny. Gestures and phrases that we adults normally use just seem a little funny coming out of little people. I guess he's at the stage where he's starting to imitate us a lot. "Aww.. that's so cute" I think to myself. But this feeling lasts for a very short while when i'm hit by the reality of being a mother. The emotional ups and downs and the test of my patience falls upon me even before I have to battle morning traffic. Tough love.. I guess that's what i'm experiencing?

Now that he has woken up happy and chatty, maybe this would be different from other mornings when he would normally cry and be grumpy... I thought to myself. Well, I was so WRONG. The moment I asked him to get up so I could change his diaper, he started to protest, and cry and kick up a fuss. Then came the lying on the floor, refusing to get up. I asked nicely, I asked firmly but the boy just wouldn't listen. So I had no choice but to use the cane. Two semi-hard strokes onto his buttocks sent him screaming. But immediately, he turned from stubborn to well behaved. After his bath, I took him out of the bath tub and explained to him that he was wrong. I made him say sorry and a soft whimpery "orri mommee" came out of his mouth. Maybe he's not that stubborn because he seems to know that he was wrong. When I was wiping his face dry with the towel, he peeked out of it and started to over laugh... I could hear a tinge of insercurity and guilt. As if he was laughing long and hard enough, but keeping his eyes half open so that he could watch for my reaction. This is the point where I can either choose to crush his spirit of trying to "make mommy feel better" by ignoring him or laughing with him. After all, the deed was done, the scolding has happened and the apology has been delivered. So I laughed with him. I could sense relief from him the moment I "caught" his joke.

Wash face - check

Brush teeth - check

Pack bags (mine and his) - check

Change Diaper and clothes - check

Ok at this point, i'm telling myself what I need to do for myself and what I need to do for him. This includes grabbing a quick bite, washing his milk bottles and bribing him to put on his shoes so that we can leave for school.

The battle begins again.

The kicking of the shoes, the wanting to stay at home with his grandmother, the refusal to take his medication in this case because we both are ill. Then after some yelling and fussing, we get into the car. By this point i'm EXHAUSTED. I ask myself what life would be like if i were still childless. What my single friends are doing. They probably wake up and have a slow coffee, stroll out of the house and not even break into a sweat. I had to shower twice in the morning from all the struggling with Nate. My adranalin has worn out by now and I just feel like crawling back into bed. About 3.3km down the road i decided that I'd check back and I see him sulking. I look straight at him and he looks straight at me. So I decide to test him. I stick out my hand signalling for him to hold it. He takes it. "Phew I tell myself. He doesn't hate me." Then suddenly my sulky toddler smiles and laughs and points and yells "BUS" at every bus he sees. I suddenly realise that what I did, was exactly what he did to me in the bathroom. We seem to be seeking each other's approval. I'm still processing this "needing approval from family no matter what age they are". But his smile and his happy voice makes me happy and forget about everything for the moment. Tonight, we start the viscious cycle again.